How to help a friend with depression

Depression is much more than sadness or a low mood –– it’s an all-consuming mental health condition that can affect all aspects of someone’s life. It can feel soul-crushing and hopeless, and it may seem like there’s no way out.  

Because of these reasons, depression (AKA major depressive disorder, major depression, or clinical depression) can feel lonely to those who struggle with it, which is why social support from friends and family is so important. If you have a friend with depression, your support can make a big difference in their recovery process, whether you’re there to lend a shoulder to cry on or to help them find the professional support they need.

Here’s what you need to know about recognizing the signs of depression and the dos and don’ts of helping someone who’s depressed.

How can you tell when someone is depressed?  

It isn’t always easy to tell if someone’s depressed. Sometimes someone can look totally fine from the outside, but they’re fighting a silent battle internally.  

However, you might be able to notice some of these signs of depression in a loved one, especially if their behavior has suddenly changed or is a stark difference from how they used to act.

• Appearing sad

• Crying randomly or more than usual

• Withdrawing from others

• Sleeping excessively

• Expressing feelings of worthlessness

• Loss of interest in activities they used to like

• Mentioning how they don’t want to live anymore  

Those signs are slightly more obvious depression symptoms, but there are also some less obvious signs that may indicate depression, including:  

• fatigued or having low energy

• Talking or moving slowly

• Changes to appetite (eating much more or less)

• Weight changes (losing or gaining weight)

• Complaining of aches and pains

• Irritability and decreased concentration

• Having outbursts of anger, even over little things

• New or increased substance use

If you suspect that a loved one might be depressed, make sure you pay attention to changes in their behavior and mood, looking out for these warning signs. For example, if they used to love socializing but now they’re completely withdrawn and don’t want to make plans, or if they aren’t engaging in hobbies they used to love and instead prefer to sleep the day away, these could be clear warning signs.

If your loved one is mentioning that they’re having suicidal thoughts, especially if they mention having a plan for dying by suicide or self-harm, it’s important to get help immediately. You can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for emergency assistance 24/7, 365 days a year. You should never ignore the imminent risk of suicide.  

What not to say to someone with depression  

Knowing what not to do or say to someone with depression is just as important as knowing what you should do. Here are seven things to avoid doing or saying.

Don't be dismissive

It’s important to validate instead of dismiss. Avoid general statements like “Just snap out of it” or “Everyone gets sad sometimes.” These phrases feel like you’re dismissing how they feel and aren’t taking it seriously. Depression is more than just situational sadness, and it certainly isn’t something that you can “snap out of.”

Don’t tell them to cheer up

Telling a depressed person to “cheer up” can make them feel even more upset or frustrated. They may feel invalidated or shamed that they can’t just will their way out of depression. Instead of telling them to “cheer up,” you can remind them that their feelings may be hard to deal with right now, but they won’t last forever.

Don’t tell them things could be worse

Telling someone with major depression to cheer up because things could be worse is one of the most frustrating things they could hear. Even if you’re saying this with good intentions or trying to help them gain perspective, this will likely only add to the guilt they are already experiencing. They probably are well aware that it could be worse, but this doesn’t do anything to alleviate their depression. Instead, help them put their depression in perspective and recognize the more positive elements in their life.  

Don’t tell them to be more grateful

When someone is in a negative headspace, it’s normal to want to counteract that with positivity and urge them to think of all the things they have to be grateful for. But if your friend is struggling with major depression, this can contribute to intense feelings of guilt.  

Remember, feeling hopeless or down is a symptom of depression, not a choice. They aren’t choosing to be “ungrateful” or to have a negative view on life.

Don’t tell them they need to try harder

See also: “Have you tried working out?”

For someone living with depression, doing simple tasks like getting out of bed or brushing their teeth can feel impossible. If your loved one is experiencing this, it’s normal to want to motivate them or encourage them to tackle their to-do list or work out five times a week.

Depression affects areas of the brain that control a person’s ability to complete tasks and feel motivated. So even your best pep talk isn’t going to suddenly give someone with depression the ability to take on tasks that they’re not up for.  

Don’t try to control or “fix” them

It’s easy to slip into a ‘fix-it’ mindset when you see someone close to you struggling. You want to do everything in your power to help them, and you may see a clear path for them to take to get better. But remember, it’s not your job or within your power to ‘fix’ or ‘cure’ your friend or loved one.  

Instead of pushing solutions or treatments on someone, try sharing resources for them to look over when they’re ready. You can say something like, “I was reading about how to get help for depression and thought you might find this helpful. I’m here if you want help getting set up with support.” Let them do this at their own speed, and try not to overwhelm them with too much at once.  

Don’t shame them for their treatment

If your friend has found a type of treatment that helps their symptoms, like antidepressant medication or psychotherapy, don’t shame them for pursuing professional help. If you have strong personal views about medication or therapy, keep them to yourself. Try to put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone told you that your treatment approach for a health condition was “wrong” or didn’t align with their views?
 

Everyone is different and responds differently to treatments. Just because a certain type of therapy or medication didn’t work for a another loved one or according to stories you’ve heard online, it doesn’t mean it won’t benefit your friend.

8 ways to help a depressed friend

Keeping in mind the above “don’ts,” here are some ways you can support a friend with depression.

1. Take them seriously  

Depression is serious –– and that can be hard to understand if you’ve never experienced it yourself. So when they tell you that they’re struggling, take them seriously. This isn’t a matter to take lightly. Remember that depression is more than just “normal” sadness; it can make day-to-day functioning feel impossible.  

By taking your friend’s depression seriously, you demonstrate that you respect and care for them. You have the power to be there for them and help them.

2. Listen without judgment

In the same vein, when they’re explaining what depression feels like to them and what they’re going through, listen without judgment. Give them your full attention and simply listen. Avoid interrupting them, offering your two cents, or comparing their situation to something else in your life.  

It can also help to reflect on any preconceived notions you have about mental health and depression. Acknowledging these biases can help you approach conversations with your friend with compassion and an open mind.  

3. Validate their feelings

Let your friend know that you are taking their emotions and condition seriously. You want them to know you aren’t minimizing their feelings or struggles. Even saying something as simple as, “That sounds really, really hard, and I’m here to listen,” can make a significant difference. Affirm their right to feel exactly how they do. After all, they didn’t choose this.  

When you validate your friend's feelings and depression symptoms, they’ll feel like they have a safe space to share their emotions without feeling like they’re going to be judged or dismissed, which is invaluable.  

4. Remind them they’re not alone

Dealing with depression can feel painfully lonely, but you can remind them that you’re here for them. They don’t have to face this by themselves.  

You could say, “I’m here for you, and you don’t have to go through this alone.” You can also remind them that they aren’t the only one going through this, even though it might feel like it. You can encourage support groups to connect with people in their shoes or even on online forums or social media. Community is out there.

5. Spend quality time with them

Never underestimate the power of social support for depression. Although your friend might not have the same energy as they did before, you can still spend quality time together. You might opt for lower-effort hangouts. For example, you might ask them if they want to have a night in, order takeout, and watch a movie. Meet them where they are, and don’t push them to go too far out of their comfort zone if they aren’t ready. The goal is to provide support and stop them from totally isolating.

6. Be patient  

Depression recovery isn’t linear. For many people, the road to recovery is long. Show support by being patient through the ups and downs. You can remind them that setbacks are part of the journey, and setbacks don’t mean that they’re not making progress.  

By being patient, you show your loved one that you’re committed to supporting them on the good days and the bad days, no matter what.  

7. Encourage them to get help

If they aren’t already seeing a mental health professional, like a therapist or psychiatrist, you can help them find hope that they can feel better. You might offer to help them search online for a therapist who accepts their insurance and meets their needs.  

You can also help them find local support groups by calling local mental health centers or searching online. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a great resource for this. Find and call your local NAMI to inquire about local or virtual depression support groups. Or, look into the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance for more in-person and virtual support groups.

That said, make sure you don’t force them or you aren’t pushy.  

8. Don’t forget to take care of yourself

You know the saying: you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you're feeling extra emotional or totally burnt out, you can’t help others.

Self-care is crucial. Check in with yourself and give yourself what you need to boost your mental health. Also, as much as you want to help your loved one, it’s important to set boundaries so you can maintain your own well-being, too.  

Looking for help, but aren’t sure where to start?

If you’re trying to help your friend, family member, or loved one connect with a mental health professional, Talkiatry is a great place to start. We make it easy to find support.

We’re a national psychiatry practice that treats mental health conditions, including major depressive disorder and much more. We provide virtual, in-network services so people can get the care they need from home.  

To get started, complete our free online assessment to get matched with a psychiatrist.  

The information in this article is for informational and educational purposes only and should never be substituted for medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. If you or someone you know may be in danger, call 911 or the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 right now.